rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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