I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize