Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
