Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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