I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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