Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You are the jesus of drinking
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
