I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
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