I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
This house was built for laser tag.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
