My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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