I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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