there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
