I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize