Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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