So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
