You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
