i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
