I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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