yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
