Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
