i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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