i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
