I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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