I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize