just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
