I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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