We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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