I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize