I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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