And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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