the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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