I can text with my tongue
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
