Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize