Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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