textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
