i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
