I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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