Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
