You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
