the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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