If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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