I just saw a hot homeless man
Michael Bay diarrhea
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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