First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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