I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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