PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
