Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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