I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize