turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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