the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
