the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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