Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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