If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
