new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
