there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
