apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize