you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize