ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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