I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw a hot homeless man
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I want to fling myself into the sun
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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