I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
