So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i think my mom watched the whole time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize