my phone needs a breathalizer
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
