You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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