Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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