Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
